GUNDAM LOVE TRUTH!!!
by Little green
Summary: Are the boys yaoi or non-yaoi? What are the real pairings in GW? Who does who?! You'll learn everything!! Nasty confessions ahead!!


Hi. Before you read, I wan to explain :  
This fic was inspired by all the Gundam Wing fics I have ever read, but mostly the numerous hateful fics feeding the Yaoi/non-yaoi battle. I find pitiful the "Oh my gawd how can they think we're gay" fics, as well as the "Oh my gawd, we have to kill releena and Hilde the bitches" (Sorry for the rude words) fics. So I wrote this. It's a parody of those fics, revealing the truth about the Gboys sexual preferences. I mean no offense, and I target yaoi fans, non yaoi fans, ferrets, and pretty much everything including myself. I hope we can just spend a few minutes laughing heartily at ourselves, my friends! Midii, forgive me!  
  
Of course, I don't own GW, but I do own Treize and Duvet, my security hamsters! ^_^ This fic is rated R, for some references to bedroom activities.  
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GUNDAM LOVE TRUTH!!!  
**You'll learn everything!! Nasty confessions ahead!!  
**  
  
  
  
Author - Wai! My dear friends! After all the fights I've seen on ffnet and the quite controversial essays or fics defending yaoi or non-yaoi pairings, Moleman and I have decided to stop staring at the cake and cut it!  
  
Duo - (_Waves a pocket scythe_) Yeah!  
  
Moleman - There was only one thing to do to know the truth. Interview!!  
  
Dekim - (_Washing the floor under the watchful eye of Treize, the revenge hamster, and his new assistant, Duvet_) Sex, Gundams and confessions, really?  
  
Author - Yes! The whole truth!!  
  
_A bunch a rabbid fans scream in the audience, making the walls tremble._  
  
Moleman - We'll begin with the master of suicide, the emperor of spandex, the God of D-  
  
Duo - Stop! I am the only God'o Death here!!  
  
Moleman - Uh. The emperor of spandex, and, uh... The God of Dough, Heerooooooooooo Yuyyyyyyyyyy!!  
  
_Rocky soundtrack starts to play as Heero appears on stage, glaring, as usual, and wearing a blue jacket. His belly is strangely swollen, though.  
_  
Author - Hum, Heero, seems like you gained a few pounds since the war ended, eh?  
  
Duo - (_Sighs loudly_) Cut it! Pleez, not another preggy fic...  
  
Heero - ...  
  
Moleman - Hum. Okay. Let's ask it immediatly, we have an audience to satisfy. Heero. (_Drumrolls_) Duo... or Releena?  
  
Author - And will you kill Releena, anyway?  
  
Heero - (_Drumroll_) My one and only love... _(Drumroll_) is... _(Drumroll)_  
  
All - O_O ...  
  
Heero - Huit*.  
  
_The rabbid fans rummage through their notes, trying to find a Gundam character named "Huit".  
_  
Moleman - Huit? O_o;  
  
Heero - (_Pulls out his ferret from under his coat_) Huit.  
  
A rabbid fan raises her hand timidly - "Boy or... girl?"  
  
Heero - (_Looks inside his ferret's breeches_) Boy.  
  
_An hysteric, blood-curling, ear-piercing, shuttle-crashing scream can be heard in the audience._  
"YAOIIIIIIIII!! 1x8!!!!!"  
_A few screams of almost orgasmic joy echo in the female audience, while some other fans are openly booing._  
  
Author - So, are you going to kill Releena?  
  
Heero - (_Glares at the author as if she was a stinkbug_) Is Lady Une going to try contact lenses?  
  
Moleman - Huh. Indeed. Now...  
  
_The Moleman can't finish, as the fans start to scream even louder, some rolling on the floor and tearing their clothes off, ready for the most sexually worshipped Gundam pilot._  
  
Author - (_Dodges a bra_) Well... And now, Ladies and... Ladies, please welcome.  
  
Collective heated bawl - DUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  
  
Duo hops on stage, gesturing for his fans to sream louder and shaking his hips in an... Artistic manner. Underwears fly.  
  
Duo - (_Winking_) Yeah baby! Who lost her panties?  
  
Moleman - Fine. Silence, a little bit of silence in the audience, please!  
  
Author - Now Duo, please, end the suspense, is it Hilde?  
  
Duo - _(Blinks_) Huh?  
  
Moleman - So, it's not Hilde?  
  
Duo - (_More and more puzzled_) Waddya mean?  
  
Author - Let's be direct, did you bed Hilde?  
  
Duo - Of course!  
  
Rabbid fans - 2xH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Moleman - Then it's Hilde!  
  
Duo - Hilde what?  
  
Rabbid fans - O.o  
  
Author - (_slightly pissed_) YOUR LOVE, YOUR PAIRING!!  
  
Duo - O_O ... BWUAHAHAHAH!!! ^__________^  
  
Moleman - Whaaaaat??  
  
Duo - Hehe... Hilde, that was after Quatre, but before Trowa, then there was the sis, and the girls selling pop corn in the circus, guess what, I learned later that I had also done her cousin, he was an OZ recruit, actually, he came -Oh came, that's the word- just after Heero, but before Professeur G, I also did Lady Une, but that's another story, not long after Treize and...  
  
All - O_O ...  
  
Moleman - Huh... Lemme get this straight, you laid the whole cast, right?  
  
Duo - (_Snaps his fingers, grinning_) Yeah, exactly!! Meet the God' o Love!! By the way, do I know you? (Winks at the Moleman)  
  
Author - (_Smirks at the rabid fans, counting on their fingers_) There!  
  
_The rabbid fans are a bit lost in their calculations _"2x3x4x1x13x1x..."  
  
Moleman - Okay, that was awful. Maybe Trowa will be more, uh... Ordinary.  
  
_Some rabbid fans swoons, but no panties fly, this time. Trowa truly is a cold guy : the fans know he won't catch the panties._  
  
Author - Trowa, in few words, as usual : Who?  
  
Trowa - ...  
  
Moleman - (_Winking_) Isn't there a Midii thing going on?  
  
_Rabid 3x12 and 3x4 fans are holding their breaths, waiting.  
_  
Trowa - Midii. Lost.  
  
Author - And?  
  
Trowa - Quatre. Wig.  
  
Screams of ecstasy resound in the audience, despite the surprise of some hardcore 3x4 fans. The author and the Moleman are aghast.  
  
Author - (_disappointed_) That's all? And what about Ralph Kurt, and the Ringmaster, I even read he married him**!  
  
Moleman - And Catherine?  
  
_The Moleman's comment is welcomed by a collective _"BOO", _meaning, _"Hey you moron, if you were a real rabbid fan, you'd know   
she's his sis!!***" _Surprisingly, while Trowa remains silent, it's Quatre who pops out from nowhere and answers._  
  
Quatre - (_Soft Quatre-like giggle_) Oh no, you must have misunderstood, Trowa didn't marry the ringmaster.  
  
Moleman - No?  
  
Quatre - (_Sweeeeeet smile_) It was a threesome.  
  
_Some fans faint in the audience, Trowa remains stoic, the production department recives a phone call from the ringmaster, who denies strongly, the author and the Moleman have a drink.  
_  
Author - O_O Trowa, this a scoop, do you confirm?  
  
Trowa - ...  
  
Moleman - Fine. Now I think I have heard everything. I think we have to interview Quatre now, but I'm not sure I want to.  
  
Author - Yes we want to! Ladies, welcome...  
  
Rabbid fans - QUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEE!!!  
  
_Once again, underwears and roses fly. Quatre smiles shyly, discreetly stuffing underwear in his pockets for a subsequent use.  
_  
Quatre - Hello fans! (_Closes his eyes and puts a hand on his space heart_) I love you all.  
  
_Most of the fans faint, once again, while the remaining ones go in a trance._  
  
Moleman - (_Tired_) Do I have to ask if it is Trowa, or Dorothy, or even Quinze?  
  
Rabbid fans - O_O (_Ready for whatever is coming_)  
  
Quatre - _(smiles_) Actually... (_Snaps his fingers_ ) Rasheed, can you give me my electronic diary?  
  
_Rasheed dashes out of the stage and comes back, 5 seconds later, with a small black electronic agenda. all the fans are now dying to know what is going on.  
_  
Quatre - You see, though I unfortunatly never got to be intimate with Quinze, I believe everybody needs love.  
  
_The Moleman back off warily, afraid he might have found another Duo._  
  
Quatre - So we settled for a quite satisfying schedule. Right, Trowa? (_Sweeeeeeeet smile_)  
  
Author - So?  
  
Quatre - (_counts on his fingers)_ Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, it's Trowa. Thursday, Friday and Saturday, it's Dorothy. And on Sunday...  
  
All - O_O;  
  
Quatre - (_Happy and very pleased with himself_) It's both! of course!  
  
Moleman - Damn.  
  
Quatre - And there is also Trowa's sister****, whenever she's depressed or when Trowa dies.  
  
Rabbid fans - (_Throwing their 3x4/xD/xC notes_) Injustice...  
  
Author - Why not? At last...  
  
_One single fan squeals in the audience _"WUFEEEEEEEEIIIIIII!!!", _generating an embarassed silence amidst her sisters*****.__  
Wufei walks on stage quietly, his glasses on his nose, a book under one arm, an herbarium under the other._  
  
Moleman - (_Trying to warm the fans_) Yeah!! Wufei! Wufei! Wu-  
  
Wufei - (_Disdainful glare_) Down!  
  
Author - (_coughs_) Hum, Wufei...  
  
Wufei - (_very red, standing on his chair_) Yes, I am here to save you from this salacious outpouring! I shall begin a lecture on my herbarium, accompanied by a series of fascinating slides illustrating my work!  
  
Moleman - Hey! We've been hacked! You're here to talk about your sex life!!  
  
Wufei - (_scarlet red_) I never knew Sally Po!  
  
Moleman - (_Smirks_) I didn't ask you anything.  
  
Wufei - (_beet red_) ... You wanna hear something? You wanna know what happens to those who try to corrupt Wufei Chang?!  
  
All - YES!!  
  
Wufei - (_coughs_) Well, one day, Treize tried to touch my wee-wee.  
  
All - And??  
  
Wufei - (_explodes_) You bunch of weaklings!! Haven't you seen episode 49?!  
  
Author - Aaaaahh. That's why...  
  
Wufei - (_Flustered_) Yes.  
  
Moleman - I think we're going to stop here. If you guys want more, ask in the review. We might interview the rest of the cast, if we find the strenghth.  
  
Meanwhile, Wufei has begun his lecture, efficiently sending the whole assembly to sleep.  
  
  
R&R!! And, please, constructive flames! (Does even it exist??)  
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**Author's notes :**  
  
* "Huit" means eight, in french.  
  
** Authentic! can't remember where fic it comes from, though. A good one, serious and very romantic. Probably one of the pairings that surprised me the most. If you wrote it, thumbs up!  
  
*** I'm not supporting incestry, that's why I didn't "mess" with that pairing.  
  
**** Admit it, it's the plot of 90% of the 4xC fics! ^_^  
  
***** This reflects the fact that Wufei seem to be the less worshipped of the Gundam boys.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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